My PhD journey

The first major wobble

It’s just coming up two months since I started my PhD and last week I had my first major wobble.

I had been having such a lovely time. I’d got over the early jitters of being a student again, of finding my way around procedures and systems and I was thoroughly enjoying all the reading and research. Then all of a sudden it fell apart. Maybe it was hormonal (I can blame many things on the menopause), maybe it was a hospital appointment playing on my mind or maybe it was attending a course called Surviving your PhD – with the implicit suggestion that quite possibly I wouldn’t. I don’t know. What I do know is I was hit by a huge wave of absolute certainty that I was out of my depth and completely incapable of going any further with the PhD. I felt without any doubt I must give it up immediately and look for a ‘proper’ job. There were simply no other options. It was so overwhelming I felt physically sick. And under it all disappointment because I thought I was past this crushing anxiety, that I’d left it in the past.

I managed to put my books and laptop away and went for a walk which got me through the worst. Then I spent the evening reading a book which had nothing to do with my project and I started to feel a bit better. The next day I had to drive into Lincoln for a meeting on campus at the School of Creative Arts. I really didn’t want to go. And I’m so glad I did.

I’m a solitary kind of person who likes to work alone and even before the dark wave hit I wasn’t relishing the prospect of driving in an hour on a frosty day with a return in the dark. But it was so helpful to spend time with my fellow researchers. Some, like me, are just starting out and others have been engaged in their PhDs for much longer. All of them had valuable advice and support to offer. I was surprised how easily I opened up about my difficulties and how at the bottom of it is lack of confidence in myself and my abilities. It was such a relief to hear that they all have insecurities and are haunted by imposter syndrome. One of my colleagues said ‘this is like a big therapy session and I’m loving it,’ and I loved it too. I left campus feeling buoyed up and enthused.

I had supervision the following day (online this time) and again was able to share how I’d been feeling and that I didn’t seem to have a real grip on what I was doing or on where my research is heading. Both my supervisors reminded me that I’m just starting out on the research journey and that they are there to help me along the road. They were positive about the work I’ve been doing this last month and were so enthusiastic about my potential research project. They were spilling over with ideas for reading, practice experiments, themes they could see emerging. I went for a walk as soon as the meeting was finished and after a couple of days where my imagination was a dead zone I was bubbling with ideas. Walking, documenting, being very specific about place, digging down into the layers of the landscape. It was all coming to me and flowing through me.

My challenge this week is to get back into that place and to start to pin some of the ideas down, to shape them into what will be my research question. When I first had the idea of applying for a PhD and faced the prospect of writing a research proposal I had no idea what I was doing. It seemed far beyond me. But gradually, over a period of time (a substantial period of time) I read and thought and started to piece a proposal together. And eventually it was good enough to submit with my application and evidently it was good enough for me to be accepted onto the programme. So I need to be patient again and take one step at a time and just enjoy the experience. I am learning so much so that even if I never finish the PhD I will have grown and developed and pushed myself further than I ever thought possible.

And I need to accept that I am probably never going to put anxiety completely behind me. I am going to have surges where it feels like it will take me over and I’ll never emerge again. But I am learning to recognise that whilst those dark feelings will rise they will also fall and I can live and work alongside them. And I’m not alone on this journey. There is a community of researchers as well as my friends and family who are willing me to succeed. In a way I’m glad this first wobble came because I’ve proved to myself I can get back on track. And this week I am back to having a lovely time.